MY HEART FELT

MY HEART FELT

Good day to everyone reading this, I hope you all are doing well in your various field of work.

Today I feel like speaking out what is in my mind, I even wish I can do a video for what am about to say. But I don’t have the capital and the avenue or platform to do that yet.

I don’t know who this might help and in the process maybe through your feedback. I can get well also and improve. I believe everybody will always need the company of someone or a group of people to assist him or her during the time of problem, trials and challenges.

A SHORT BRIEF ABOUT ME:

My name is Onatoyinbo Muyiwa Onawale, I prefer to be call WALECASE. If I am to describe myself at this moment am typing this. I will say I am someone with great ideas but executing or nurturing those ideal to the point of fruition seems not to be achievable sometimes or the road to my success story is only in my head and not in reality.

Presently am facing the war of my inner self. I see myself not thinking straight again. One of my battles is about my faith in God and His Son Jesus Christ. In the past have never come to realize that am not perfect. I always like to present myself to people as a perfect being. No stain, no sin, I even start judging people as if am God, I never come to think of my own flaws and wrongdoing. With all this in my life I discovered that I became jealous of people’s achievement, even when I rejoice with them there is something in me that always go against them. I will always say to myself that am a believer, a Christian, and regular Church goers, even sometimes I feel like that my service in the church of God is enough for forgiveness of my sin. But recently I check my ways and I discovered am not whom I say I am to people, I know am not a  saint, perfect or more righteous than others, I check my life style and I know that am guilty. Then I start to mend my ways with God but nothing seems working. Sometimes I think God can’t answer me. But today I made a resolution and I see hope around me.

MY TRAUMA:

When I check out myself I see that have makes a lot of mistakes, and errors which I believed that most of them are catching up with me.  For example on my academics, I can see my flaws and some of the qualification I have in me I know that I don’t deserve it, sometimes my academy journey is a road I myself don’t understand. You know when you are through with high school and you can’t solve many academics challenges of your junior once. I conclude in my heart that may be am not born to be good academically; one thing that I know and that is sure is that I always like to follow the easy road, shortcut which is one of my problem, never ready to do thin properly. My English, mathematics, chemistry, physics, biology and computers studied or my level of satisfaction on them is poor, I can’t not even boost of myself. I do ask myself that what am I good at so I can focus on it but I don’t have any answer to that question. So am I useless? What can I call my own? In my profession am at this stage I suppose to be confident of my work but no that is not the case am still crawling. My use of English is poor even though I see some little changes but they are not vivid.

I am someone that is crawling in the journey of Christ, when I try to leap up I found myself on the floor again in sin, in my academics instead of improving am stagnant, in my profession instead of improving am even losing my skills.

Some of the resolutions for this year; when I look and check on them they are not clear to me anymore.

I have gone away from the track, from the path, from myself. I have missed a lot of things, have let go of many chances, waste a lot of opportunities, am full of regret and errors and sometimes when I try to forget them I just see them in my front, am distracted and confused. Did I have any hope at all?

 My sins are in my front; my addictions are my obstacles which I know perfectly well. Sometimes I can’t just stop thinking that, what if I don’t make it in life. What if I died young, what if everything turns bad, what if I get worse, and what if I become loose? MANY WHAT IF, I don’t just know where to start the restructuring of my life, where should I start from, if I start today when will I be satisfy with myself. What I am saying is that I know am not giving out my best, I don’t need a judge or an examiner or someone to grade me, I myself am not satisfied with myself.

I am a procrastinator, my self control is zero, my discipline is zero, my focus is not is not even on the lens again, my seriousness is nothing to talk about.

When I am face with all these challenges. I say to myself that I deserve a better life and which I believe that everybody deserve that also, I create a group on facebook called get a better life I have many ideas  for this project I create a blog for it. I start the with introduction for the page which I TAG EVERYBODY DESERVE A BETTER LIFE, after that I started posting many inspirational quote but I realize that those post are even for me not for anyone and today am already giving up on that may be because I feel guilty or because I feel I don’t worth someone that can tell people something.

Early this year I venture into making an abstract Cartoon of people today I have dropped it.

I am addicted to social media and instead of me to surf for meaningful information. It is what will not add benefits to my life I check. The time I suppose to be working sleep will come, the time that I should be active am busy watching film, gistting with people. Recently I remove myself from the entire group I belong to on whatsapp to make a change in my life but still nothing is changing am not improving.

I don’t know. Is it that I am hard on myself or what?

Today I decide to post this and maybe I will have peace with myself, maybe I will be free, may be someone out there to passing through what am passing through will know that He or She is not the only one. Today I make up my mind to be truthful to myself first. I want to be real.

I am not looking for someone that will have pity for me, and again am not blaming anybody for my own mistakes I accept that it is all my doing and no one is to be blame.

With everything that I have said, today I decide to put my issues in front of God. When I read the WORD, I found Hope, that it is not finish for me. And today I say to myself no matter the number of times I falls, fails, I will keep moving on, I will not give up on life. I won’t allow my flaws to hinder my success.

Today I concluded in me that I am created for a purpose, I won’t allow what I have not achieve to spoil my happiness on those things I already have. I know that I am sick emotionally but at least am not dead,

I will wait on God, and I believed that He will answer me.

Whether my English improve or not, whether I progress in my education or not, whether I see changes in my career or not, I won’t stop pushing.

If you have anything to tell me or and word of advice. You can contact me on my email: onatoyinbosola@gmail.com, onatoyinboonawale@gmail.com or you can whatsapp me on +2348180954875.